November 3, 2014
Gentlemen and Colleagues,
As we prepare to seize power in these historic elections, we wanted to outline for your endorsement a few changes to the Senate Committee structure that the leadership has been studying, in conjunction with some of our leading private sector citizens, to ensure an efficient Senate.
Guiding themes behind changes are 1) to eliminate useless committees, 2) to rename other committees to better align with their missions, 3) to create a few essential committees for pursuing the agenda of the next Congress.
Standing Committees
Starting with standing committees, a few of the current ones are reasonably functional, but would still benefit from name changes that are more mission orientated. Accordingly:
Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee --> Obamacare Repeal Committee
Energy and Natural Resources Committee --> Oil, Gas & Coal Subsidy Committee
Environment and Public Works Committee --> Deregulation & Privatization Committee
Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry Committee --> ADM / Monsanto Committee
Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee --> Fatherland Security & Triple Fence Committee
Judiciary Committee --> Stand Your Ground Committee
Budget Committee --> Slash Social Security Benefits for Anyone Under 55 Committee
Appropriations Committee --> Red State Economic Development Committee
On this last one, the US budget currently comes about 60/40 from Blue states and goes 60/40 to Red States. We aim to alter these ratios, consistent with the aspirations of the majority of the American people (as reflected in the results of this election) to at least 65/35 in both cases.
Two other committees should be merged into one, in conjunction with a name change:
Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs Committee + Finance Committee --> Wall Street Liberation Committee
Several other committees cover topics of sufficient importance that they should actually be split into multiple committees named for specific parts:
Foreign Relations Committee
--> Israel Friendship Committee
--> Benghazi Investigation Committee
Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee
--> Government Motors Investigation Committee
--> Global Warming Hoax Conspiracy Investigation Committee
--> Offshoring and Outsourcing Committee
Finally, several committees - whose day has come and gone - should be eliminated:
Rules and Administration --> Eliminated
Small Business and Entrepreneurship --> Eliminated
Veterans Affairs --> Eliminated
And one additional committee should be created from scratch:
Benghazi Fact Finding Committee
Special, Select, and Other Committees
Of the current special and select committees, several should be eliminated and one renamed:
Indian Affairs --> Eliminated
Special Committee on Aging --> Eliminated
Select Committee on Intelligence --> Special Select Committee on Benghazi
Select Committee on Ethics --> Eliminated
On this last one, Ethics, the next Congress is committed to extensively introducing into the Senate the free-market principles that have made our capitalist society great.
As we all know, free markets regulate themselves, so there is no need for “ethical” oversight.
Finally, one new committee should be created:
Impeachment Exploratory Committee
Joint Committees
To our House colleagues, we propose eliminating all the current joint committees and replacing them with three new Joint Committees:
Joint Committee on Benghazi
Joint Committee on Replacing Obamacare with Direct Wire Transfers to Insurance Companies
Joint Committee on The Rapture
On this last, only the Allmighty can designate the exact timing of the rapture, but we as Republicans need to be committed to doing everything in our power to creating and sustaining the pre-conditions to the Rapture.
If we do anything less, we’ll lose all credibility with our base.
Adopting of the New Proposal
The new proposal offers a number of advantages:
• Almost everyone gets a seat on a Benghazi Committee (4 total)
• Committees eliminated will lead to HUGE savings (see magic asterisk)
• Core GOP backers will immediately see that their major financial investments yielded a meaningful return
Still, there might be useful tweaks to the proposal. If you have any feedback, please provide it to your primary dark money coordinator in the (new) majority leadership by end of day on Friday, November 7, ahead of our annual secret naked tickle orgy with the megachurch pastors.
The rest of the page is missing.
Sounds from the proposal, though, that the Senate will FINALLY be paying attention to the priorities of the middle class. Its about time.